Thursday, July 23, 2009

Eldest Cherub Still Alive and Other Sagas

Oh where to begin? So many updates and happenings, I really don't know where to start or what to say. I guess I'll just dive in and see where it takes me. So here goes . . .

You'll be happy to know that Eldest Cherub is still alive. I did not kill him, although I did look into a few of our homicide laws and have prepared a statement in my defense . . . just in case . . . I JEST!!

Really, we had a little chat, very calmly, very quietly and adult-like. I voiced my concerns and opinions, he voiced his opinions and we calmly came to the following agreement. If he uses those #%$%^&@* guns in my house, around my car or pool or in my sight EVER AGAIN, they just may possibly become a permanent part of his body, he will not have to worry about parental permission for any piercings because he will have homemade ones with guns hanging from the holes. Again, I JEST. No, I'm not still bitter about the whole incident, why do you ask? :)

Seriously, in his defense, he did offer to replace everything and somehow try to work off the cost of replacement and help me find new dishes - even to sell off some of the guns (but not the ones he really likes) I didn't mention to him that no one is going to pay big bucks for a broken gun that he only paid $10 for in the first place. I figured I'd give him a little dignity and the courtesy of accepting his well-meaning offer with a little bit of grace (and not even ONE obscenity).

When all is said and done, I still have most of the china still intact and a really great story to tell his children as payback. The hardest thing will be finding someone to replace the piece of glass from the cabinet, but I am figuring any glass place will probably be able to do that. Meanwhile, until I actually get around to taking it to be fixed, I point it out to all who enter our house and tell them about my horrible, non-rule following child and ask that they chastise him as much as possible, so he won't forget what a dope he was. I feel that this seems to be working quite well - even better than a punishment or making him pay for the damage. The guilt and shame are now never-ending, as we always have numerous people marauding through our home on a daily basis. He is getting quite tired of trying to defend himself and I believe he is finally coming to terms with the fact that this was one BIG mistake, as well as the fact that he is wondering if he will ever be able to move on and leave "the incident" behind him. Yes, I am awful. I truly take sheer pleasure in this. I suppose that the time is coming that I will actually have to let him move on and do the same myself, but until then, I will enjoy every second of his guilt and shame. I mean, what are parents for??

Our leachfield saga continues, and Mother Nature is still messing with us. Could this be along the same lines as what I am doing to Eldest Cherub? What Goes Around Comes Around?

We have finished all the treatments and things were looking up. We had a 4 - 5 day stretch of sunshine that seemed to be doing a great job of drying things out. I actually did 3 loads (out of about 13) of laundry the other day, in the comfort of my own home. (I had the dryer fixed shortly after my last post about our Septic Issues) I stopped after 3 because our "expert" had advised us not to go too crazy with the laundry on a daily basis because we needed to give the field a break. He said 2 - 3 loads max, preferably every other day, for a while. Who can live like this, I ask? I will be about 4 years behind in laundry at this rate. Anyway, like I said, things seemed to be looking up and then it happened. Another deluge. Inches and inches of rain. After sending Eldest Cherub out to check the soggy factor in the yard - I asked him because he owes me you know :D - his report was not good. "Yup mom, it's like surfing the waves again." GGGRRRREEEAAAATTT!

But, the sun did come back out and I hoped beyond hope that this could just be surface rainwater and our issue was solved. And it could be, but I may never know. Because my friends, as I sit and write this, I am listening to the rain, yes, the rain, pouring down. They say about 6 inches tonight. Isn't that lovely? Well, I am stressing just thinking about it and there is really nothing I can do.

Ssssooooo . . . I guess I will bid you all sweet adieu, I have a child I need to go torment. Just Kidding.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Northeast Mom Slays Eldest Cherub

Yes, my friends, you just may possibly see this headline soon.

Eldest Cherub (and I use the term Cherub very loosely right now) is a big fan of Air Soft Guns. Sometimes I worry about him, and wonder if he will be the child that turns terrorist later on in life. He loves his guns, he has a complete arsenal that includes everything from handguns to shotguns to automatic weapons and he takes care of them as if they are a precious heirloom. All in all, they are not so dangerous. I should know, as I have been shot numerous times by accident. The bullets are small plastic or rubber bb-like balls, but do not have the force or velocity of the regular metal bbs. Even so, I am the Air Soft Gestapo of the neighborhood. I am the mom that has all the rules . . .

"Don't shoot the guns near the cars, don't shoot at each others' faces, make sure you wear goggles, don't shoot near the pool area, don't shoot in the house, don't shoot anyone not actually involved in your Air Soft games, Do you want me to break the gun in half? . . . "

Because of all my "rules", the neighborhood boys decided that it was no fun to play Air Soft in my yard - and for some reason, my yard is the congregation spot for the entire town. They decided to create their very own battlefield in the woods behind our house. To their credit, they did quite a job with it.

They have bunkers, tree stands, pathways and free zones . . . and they have created hinged holes in the fort - which by the way is larger than our actual shed - a story for another time, but Mr. P and the neighborhood kids built it as a summer project one year and it has everything one would need to live comfortably, including furniture, electricity and cable TV, not to mention a 4 foot by 12 foot front porch - I've been thinking about renting it out for some extra income :) - Anyway, they have created these hinged holes in the walls and put all of the windows on hinges to shoot from and now use the fort as home base for their wars and to store all the guns in there, which is nice, because they are no longer taking up residence in every room of my house.

So as you can see, Air Soft is a very important part of the neighborhood children's lives. The reason I mention all this is because it is Air Soft that has made me want to strangle Eldest Cherub. As stated previously, I spend a lot of time REMINDING Eldest Cherub that he is not allowed to shoot the guns in our house. I do not want them in the house, and when reminded of this fact, his typical response is usually, "It's not loaded mom, Geeeeeeeezzzzzzz!"
My typical response to this is usually, (picture at very high volume), "I DO NOT CARE IF IT IS LOADED, GET. THEM. OUT. OF. MY. HOUSE. NOW!"

I digress.

Recently, Eldest Cherub and I were sitting in the kitchen. I was doing some paperwork and Eldest Cherub was working on one of his many guns. I asked him why he had it in the house and he said that a piece was busted and he was fixing it and would take it outside to the fort when done. I accepted this explanation and went on with my business, not paying much attention to him or his little project.

And then suddenly . . . CRASH!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, My Lovely Eldest Cherub (again, being used very loosely) thought he had fixed the gun and was "testing" to see if the broken piece would stay intact with his ingenious solution of fixing it. As he swung the gun up to see if the metal piece would stay in place, sure enough, it flew from the gun and straight through the antique, family heirloom, china hutch my Mother-In-Law gave us and onto the 60 place setting of good china I had inherited from my Grandmother.

Needless to say, as I stared at the broken glass and various shards of china that had been shot across the kitchen from impact, various obscenities, some of which I did not know I even knew, spewed forth from my innermost being. And Eldest Cherub ran like a rocket from the kitchen saying, "I will be in my room, I am so sorry, I know I am in so much trouble, do you want me to help clean it up? Etc, etc, etc . . ." My response, amidst all the vulgarities spewing forth, was "I really don't even want to see your face right now. JUST. GO." And go he did, I have never seen the child's body move forth so quickly, with such agility and grace. Like a Gazelle being hunted by the treacherous predator, he was gone, just like that, without a look back.

I have yet to have a discussion about this incident with Eldest Cherub, however, I did apologize for letting my temper get the best of me and about the obscenities that were spewed forth and told him that "We would TALK later."

I have not yet decided on how to best approach the situation, but I am sure I will think of something. If any of you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them, as I do not believe that I am yet thinking clearly about the whole incident and that as of right now, you may possibly be reading the headline "NORTHEAST MOM SLAYS ELDEST CHERUB" very, very soon . . . All Suggestions Welcome.