Thursday, July 16, 2009

Northeast Mom Slays Eldest Cherub

Yes, my friends, you just may possibly see this headline soon.

Eldest Cherub (and I use the term Cherub very loosely right now) is a big fan of Air Soft Guns. Sometimes I worry about him, and wonder if he will be the child that turns terrorist later on in life. He loves his guns, he has a complete arsenal that includes everything from handguns to shotguns to automatic weapons and he takes care of them as if they are a precious heirloom. All in all, they are not so dangerous. I should know, as I have been shot numerous times by accident. The bullets are small plastic or rubber bb-like balls, but do not have the force or velocity of the regular metal bbs. Even so, I am the Air Soft Gestapo of the neighborhood. I am the mom that has all the rules . . .

"Don't shoot the guns near the cars, don't shoot at each others' faces, make sure you wear goggles, don't shoot near the pool area, don't shoot in the house, don't shoot anyone not actually involved in your Air Soft games, Do you want me to break the gun in half? . . . "

Because of all my "rules", the neighborhood boys decided that it was no fun to play Air Soft in my yard - and for some reason, my yard is the congregation spot for the entire town. They decided to create their very own battlefield in the woods behind our house. To their credit, they did quite a job with it.

They have bunkers, tree stands, pathways and free zones . . . and they have created hinged holes in the fort - which by the way is larger than our actual shed - a story for another time, but Mr. P and the neighborhood kids built it as a summer project one year and it has everything one would need to live comfortably, including furniture, electricity and cable TV, not to mention a 4 foot by 12 foot front porch - I've been thinking about renting it out for some extra income :) - Anyway, they have created these hinged holes in the walls and put all of the windows on hinges to shoot from and now use the fort as home base for their wars and to store all the guns in there, which is nice, because they are no longer taking up residence in every room of my house.

So as you can see, Air Soft is a very important part of the neighborhood children's lives. The reason I mention all this is because it is Air Soft that has made me want to strangle Eldest Cherub. As stated previously, I spend a lot of time REMINDING Eldest Cherub that he is not allowed to shoot the guns in our house. I do not want them in the house, and when reminded of this fact, his typical response is usually, "It's not loaded mom, Geeeeeeeezzzzzzz!"
My typical response to this is usually, (picture at very high volume), "I DO NOT CARE IF IT IS LOADED, GET. THEM. OUT. OF. MY. HOUSE. NOW!"

I digress.

Recently, Eldest Cherub and I were sitting in the kitchen. I was doing some paperwork and Eldest Cherub was working on one of his many guns. I asked him why he had it in the house and he said that a piece was busted and he was fixing it and would take it outside to the fort when done. I accepted this explanation and went on with my business, not paying much attention to him or his little project.

And then suddenly . . . CRASH!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, My Lovely Eldest Cherub (again, being used very loosely) thought he had fixed the gun and was "testing" to see if the broken piece would stay intact with his ingenious solution of fixing it. As he swung the gun up to see if the metal piece would stay in place, sure enough, it flew from the gun and straight through the antique, family heirloom, china hutch my Mother-In-Law gave us and onto the 60 place setting of good china I had inherited from my Grandmother.

Needless to say, as I stared at the broken glass and various shards of china that had been shot across the kitchen from impact, various obscenities, some of which I did not know I even knew, spewed forth from my innermost being. And Eldest Cherub ran like a rocket from the kitchen saying, "I will be in my room, I am so sorry, I know I am in so much trouble, do you want me to help clean it up? Etc, etc, etc . . ." My response, amidst all the vulgarities spewing forth, was "I really don't even want to see your face right now. JUST. GO." And go he did, I have never seen the child's body move forth so quickly, with such agility and grace. Like a Gazelle being hunted by the treacherous predator, he was gone, just like that, without a look back.

I have yet to have a discussion about this incident with Eldest Cherub, however, I did apologize for letting my temper get the best of me and about the obscenities that were spewed forth and told him that "We would TALK later."

I have not yet decided on how to best approach the situation, but I am sure I will think of something. If any of you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them, as I do not believe that I am yet thinking clearly about the whole incident and that as of right now, you may possibly be reading the headline "NORTHEAST MOM SLAYS ELDEST CHERUB" very, very soon . . . All Suggestions Welcome.


Sherrie said...

Oh bless you! I have three boys hell bent on destroying everything I hold precious. At least it seems that way sometimes. Too funny that my 7 yo was just telling me today how he really wanted to go to Walgreen's today so he could buy one of those air soft guns. I had no idea WTH he was talking about.

Good luck and make sure you post a photo of your cherub with today's paper so we know he is still alive. lol

Hugs! Those boys can drive you crazy. I know all too well. ;)

thinkinfyou said...

They don't take in account all the stuff your children will break along the way,when they tally up how much it costs to raise a child nowadays.

Is anything salvageable? I don't know about a punishment. It's hard coming up with one when it's not my own kid. Depending on how harsh you want it to be. I would think that you could have him sell half his arsenal to buy you new china (or at least help pay for it.) Of course new china doesn't hold the sentimental element that the old set did.
The whole thing really stinks,and I feel for you,being I have lost soooo many things precious to me due to my offspring. Thankfully they are more precious to me than anything else I own.
I wish you luck!!

Chris said...

Oh, that is so very very painful. Accidents happen, but when the happen while a rule is being broken, oh my! The fur flies at my house over that too!

I hope you let us know how the china fared. Maybe you could replace some of the pieces on eBay. Maybe eldest cherub could help with that. If he's still alive.

As hard as it probably was for you to post this, I'm grateful you did. I didn't know what an airsoft gun was until now. My 7-year-old is enthralled with a neighbor's gun that shoots those hard plastic bb's. Now I understand what it is. I can't believe the kids around here aren't wearing googles while shooting! Matt is SO not getting one unless he can just use it at his grandparents' house with the huge yard.

I do hope you, in your infinite parenting wisdom, got all this sorted out. You really do always seem very capable with all that.

the Preppy Princess said...

This is classic, absolutely classic, spoken by someone who grew up with three brothers. Unbelievable.

Frankly, if you did slay Eldest Cherub (liberal usage), we're thinking the ruling would be Justifiable Homicide, no? (Kidding, we are only joking, let's all remain calm before thinking TP is promoting child murder.)

I'm so sorry about the china, that really is just a shame. We need the Magic Wand with the Princess Pixie Dust to make an appearance at your house to put the china back together again.